There are places we go in the rain. Places unsung by sunlight, unblemished by mother nature, places underneath it all.
In the rain, my mind is a collapsible jungle... springing to life, breathing in falling water. The drops leave footprints on my forehead when I walk, tracks on electronics as I steadily punch keys and twirl dials... water gets everywhere.
I forget who I am in the rain... that I am human, prone to illness, in this world-sized well I am a momentary immortal, salient and severe. I act as if, around me, there is an inch-thick force. I move with the steadiness of an eel through weeds or a knife through sand and though I am drenched by the steady downpour, I am as a water creature, sustained by its life force.
There are times when, stuck inside, I feel it in my heart somehow, the water pouring. I even look out the window, up towards the murky sky, and yet I don't see it coming down. Not one drop. I look out towards supposed nothingness and probe with acute faith... believing that there is rain, and, as if by shear force of will, my vision clears and each and every drop and speck is readily apparent.
In the rain, my mind is a rewound marathon. The systems trace back paths through dirt and sod, tracks that have long since been covered by time, written over like old tapes with new material... and yet the old places seem fresh in my mind when the rain comes. It washes away what I choose to know and brings a sheen to the real world below. And as I look, I am made crystal.
There are places I go, for the rain is my grand mapmaker, and I, its native son.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
...My Living Room Floor, In My Boxer Shorts. NY, NY.
Preach to me, bastions of the far flung light...
Hmph.
Lily is sitting like a praying mantis. I can see her through the window of my study... out there on the lawn, daring the sprinklers to catch her. Tomorrow is her 18th birthday and I know exactly what she's trying to do. She's always wanted to feel things. To know without being told. And so I'm certain she wants to feel the turn from adolescence into... what? adulthood? At this point, I don't think so... but it'll certainly be an adult enough change.
Senior year has been a struggle for our little girl. Little is another word that changes. Obviously, getting into college was its own uphill climb, not because of grades, she has those, but because Lil isn't the sort of girl who knows what she wants from the world.
I remember when she was six years old, and I sat her down on that lawn on a particularly clear night and traced out the stars into constellations. Her favorite, I imagine because she could spot it so easily, was Orion. She liked the notion that star signs still need belts. At that moment, she made the declaration that she would swim among the stars one day. I thought this would manifest itself with a love of science and astronomy... it oddly appeared a few years later as, quite literally, a love of swimming.
Maybe I should be out there with her.
No. This is her own memory. I don't know if she realizes yet how talented she is with that particular skill. Making memories. She knows exactly how to capture, caption, and categorize her days in what I imagine is a rather grand series of file folders in her mind. I'd like to learn, while I still can, how to take these memories and tie them to my being, the calm, simple way that she does. She tells stories sometimes and I'd love to tell her that she should follow in her father's footsteps and become a writer, but the wife and I agreed not to put undue influence on her... as if raising her wasn't influence enough. But, that's beside the point. I agree, begrudgingly... she has it in her though, to be a great writer, if she ever decides to.
Or maybe she'll be a teacher? She taught me enough things in her time. I remember when I was young and computers were just coming around and I was so much better with them than my parents... and I would hold it over them. Oh, foul karma. Of course, as I grew older, technology advanced with even greater rapidity... what we knew as laptops became as outdated as... what... typewriters? I suppose. But, Lily was always patient with her Dad (her Mom was always fine with the tech... and if not, she hid it well). I could see her molding young minds. But something in me, like it or not, thinks that she's meant for some greater future than simple instruction.
She could be President... well, no I don't think she'd be much interested in that. Not that she's not politically minded... I love to argue with her about whatever cause she's taken up this week or that, and, to her credit, her counterarguments have started to become rather well articulated and convincing. What I know, though, is that she wouldn't like the thought of having such a great amount of power over such a great amount of people. She's honestly humble and at peace with herself and I don't think she'd be comfortable asserting that she belonged in a place of any greater power than anyone else.
I'm sure her mom would love if she went into the non-profit sector. And, I've been meaning to bring up the fact that taking her to rallies and marches all the time could be considered undue influence... but, I've been to my share of protests and they've never really swayed me towards a life as an advocate for the underprivileged and ill-represented. So, I suppose if she chooses that path, it'll be her choice to make.
I could go on, I could imagine a thousand directions her life might take.
But, for myself, I think I'd like to remember her forever like this... alone on the grass.... eyes closed... her hair in communion with the soft summer breeze and her breath somehow in steady rhythm with the seconds on my wall clock.
At this point, I don't think I'll get to sleep tonight, my editor needs this manuscript in by the morning or else she'll cut me with something sharp I'm sure... or, dock my advance... which is the literary equivalent of a shiv stab.
It's a little unbelievable that I... that we all arrived here. At this moment.
I look back at my life, at all the little worries and squabbles that seemed so much larger in the moment... so mortally important... and it dawns on me that at this moment, I am perfectly happy. All the more perfect for the struggles that I faced on the way to reaching this place.
I don't know what to say, except... 5, 4, 3, 2... wow. Happy Birthday, Lil.
This is... well... This is a memory I'll hold onto.
As much as I would love to stay in this state forever, I have to return to my work... take it all in, Lil. Before you've entered the word of deadlines. Oh, I hope she'll be a procrastinator like her father. Nah... not really.
Okay... Chapter... 13.
Preach to me, bastions of the far flung light...
That's all for now.
Hmph.
Lily is sitting like a praying mantis. I can see her through the window of my study... out there on the lawn, daring the sprinklers to catch her. Tomorrow is her 18th birthday and I know exactly what she's trying to do. She's always wanted to feel things. To know without being told. And so I'm certain she wants to feel the turn from adolescence into... what? adulthood? At this point, I don't think so... but it'll certainly be an adult enough change.
Senior year has been a struggle for our little girl. Little is another word that changes. Obviously, getting into college was its own uphill climb, not because of grades, she has those, but because Lil isn't the sort of girl who knows what she wants from the world.
I remember when she was six years old, and I sat her down on that lawn on a particularly clear night and traced out the stars into constellations. Her favorite, I imagine because she could spot it so easily, was Orion. She liked the notion that star signs still need belts. At that moment, she made the declaration that she would swim among the stars one day. I thought this would manifest itself with a love of science and astronomy... it oddly appeared a few years later as, quite literally, a love of swimming.
Maybe I should be out there with her.
No. This is her own memory. I don't know if she realizes yet how talented she is with that particular skill. Making memories. She knows exactly how to capture, caption, and categorize her days in what I imagine is a rather grand series of file folders in her mind. I'd like to learn, while I still can, how to take these memories and tie them to my being, the calm, simple way that she does. She tells stories sometimes and I'd love to tell her that she should follow in her father's footsteps and become a writer, but the wife and I agreed not to put undue influence on her... as if raising her wasn't influence enough. But, that's beside the point. I agree, begrudgingly... she has it in her though, to be a great writer, if she ever decides to.
Or maybe she'll be a teacher? She taught me enough things in her time. I remember when I was young and computers were just coming around and I was so much better with them than my parents... and I would hold it over them. Oh, foul karma. Of course, as I grew older, technology advanced with even greater rapidity... what we knew as laptops became as outdated as... what... typewriters? I suppose. But, Lily was always patient with her Dad (her Mom was always fine with the tech... and if not, she hid it well). I could see her molding young minds. But something in me, like it or not, thinks that she's meant for some greater future than simple instruction.
She could be President... well, no I don't think she'd be much interested in that. Not that she's not politically minded... I love to argue with her about whatever cause she's taken up this week or that, and, to her credit, her counterarguments have started to become rather well articulated and convincing. What I know, though, is that she wouldn't like the thought of having such a great amount of power over such a great amount of people. She's honestly humble and at peace with herself and I don't think she'd be comfortable asserting that she belonged in a place of any greater power than anyone else.
I'm sure her mom would love if she went into the non-profit sector. And, I've been meaning to bring up the fact that taking her to rallies and marches all the time could be considered undue influence... but, I've been to my share of protests and they've never really swayed me towards a life as an advocate for the underprivileged and ill-represented. So, I suppose if she chooses that path, it'll be her choice to make.
I could go on, I could imagine a thousand directions her life might take.
But, for myself, I think I'd like to remember her forever like this... alone on the grass.... eyes closed... her hair in communion with the soft summer breeze and her breath somehow in steady rhythm with the seconds on my wall clock.
At this point, I don't think I'll get to sleep tonight, my editor needs this manuscript in by the morning or else she'll cut me with something sharp I'm sure... or, dock my advance... which is the literary equivalent of a shiv stab.
It's a little unbelievable that I... that we all arrived here. At this moment.
I look back at my life, at all the little worries and squabbles that seemed so much larger in the moment... so mortally important... and it dawns on me that at this moment, I am perfectly happy. All the more perfect for the struggles that I faced on the way to reaching this place.
I don't know what to say, except... 5, 4, 3, 2... wow. Happy Birthday, Lil.
This is... well... This is a memory I'll hold onto.
As much as I would love to stay in this state forever, I have to return to my work... take it all in, Lil. Before you've entered the word of deadlines. Oh, I hope she'll be a procrastinator like her father. Nah... not really.
Okay... Chapter... 13.
Preach to me, bastions of the far flung light...
That's all for now.
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